When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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