I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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