I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
