and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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