the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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