i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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