How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
