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Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
