last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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