I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
my nose is crying tears of wow.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
