Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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