I will die if light touches me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
