I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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