Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
