I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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