chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
