so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
