But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
