I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
