Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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