I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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