You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
