At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
