There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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