It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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