that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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