I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
