my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
