I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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