Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
