Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
