Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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