If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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