ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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