God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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