everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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