I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
