considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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