My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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