My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
