You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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