I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
