I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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