just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
