remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Even my vagina gasped.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
