I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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