Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
