kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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