a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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