My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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