How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
