i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
