fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
