i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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